What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 30.06.2025 06:53
She found it foreign!.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
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As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
We were not on the streets..
It was going to be , some day.
She wouldn,t have been !
But ive been too sick for many years..
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And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
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Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I couldn’t, believe it.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
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So whats the point in blame.
I was scared of men, in general
I had hoped to write a book about this .
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I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I will be 64.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
How do you respond to "I don't like you anymore"?
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
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And i lived it daily.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Would this be the day?
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What did i know ?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
What is that one moment in your life when you felt "I am awesome"?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
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I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Who then, do I blame.?
I was 9 years of age.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
All the time i was locked up.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She loved him until the end.
I could never make a relationship work though!
He resisted the act ,that day.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She married twice! .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
We all went to grammer schools
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
(And it was in our own minds.)
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I don,t even have a pension.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I waited trembling.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
My family never makes their pension either.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Im still living with it.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Ive learnt so much.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But, we were locked up after school.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
So, i spoilt her more .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Was to survive, this bastard.
When she asked me how she looked .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Comes on , in middle age.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I did it because my mum asked me too!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She was in good health!
One cannot live in the past .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I was seconnd youngest,
I said to her
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I was very sick at this time too.
I never cut or harmed myself..
As i do to all so called friends.?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But it wasn’t much.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I think the readers, may guess!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
This is soul school!.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Put me off passion for life!!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I have no regrets .
Why did i forgive my father ?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He knew the spot.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My life is so biszare .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I write beautiful poetry .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!